Last Sunday we discussed our shadow side and why it is often kept hidden – sometimes because we are ashamed of something, and other times because we are unaware of whose voice or what motive is driving our behavior. Many times, problems arise when we try to completely eradicate the “negative” parts of us. Pema Chodron says, “By trying to get rid of “negativity,” by trying to eradicate it, by putting it into a column labelled “bad,” we are throwing away our wisdom as well, because everything in us is creative energy—particularly our strong emotions. They are filled with life-force.
There is nothing wrong with negativity per se; the problem is that we never see it, we never honor it, we never look into its heart. We don’t taste our negativity, smell it, get to know it. Instead, we are always trying to get rid of it by punching someone in the face, by slandering someone, by punishing ourselves, or by repressing our feelings. In between repression and acting out, however, there is something wise and profound and timeless.
If we just try to get rid of negative feelings, we don’t realize that those feelings are our wisdom. So, how do you get in touch with the negative feelings? And is the shadow a collective of only negative feelings? And how do you make friends with your Shadow Side? If you do a search on Google for How to Make Friends with Your Shadow Side, it comes back with 31,300,000 in .81 seconds. I read 31,000,000 of them but the last 300,000 did me in : ).
In the midst of all my reading, I found an interesting comment in an article entitled, How to Make Friends with Your Shadow Sidethat said:
The shadow is often talked about in the negative, but it’s not just about dredging up our deepest, darkest, weirdest bits. Alongside the less shiny-shiny aspects of ourselves, we can also uncover the “golden shadow.” This can show up as a higher calling, unexplored potential, or submerged greatness. It can manifest as things we admire or envy in others.
Then I came across a really interesting article on a site called The Stillness Project and, believe it or not, it was entitled, :How to Make Friends with Your Shadow Side (https://stillnessproject.com/friends-with-shadow-side/). The founder, Tom Cronin, says:
“Have you noticed that you have this dark thing that follows you around everywhere? It never seems to leave your side does it? Well, lately mine has become a big part of my life again. Yep, that pesky shadow was back and begging for some attention.See this shadow of mine played a big part in my life many years ago. It caused pain in a lot of peoples lives including mine. It lured me down dark laneways, it lead me to do crazy things and was also the part of me that beat myself up about it afterwards. When your shadow side plays a big part in your life, your life becomes just that, a dark shadow. Where your attention goes, it grows.
I spent a lot of time in my life devoted to removing my shadow. I recognised that part of me that was dark and heavy and then I discovered another side to me that was light and well…light! I began to put more attention on my light and life changed dramatically. Over time I forgot that there was even a shadow there because I looked forward towards the light and yearned to be one with it. My life flowed with light and love and everything flourished. Aah, the Bliss of Being.
But lately my attention shifted again, and I looked behind me and saw that yes, the shadow was still there. I couldn’t ignore it and in fact, it completely pulled me in to its story. I felt the shame, the guilt, the pain and the vulnerability. Why are you still here? After all these years! I thought I got rid of you. Darn it! I could feel the spiral pull me down. It reminded me of a book I once read called The Shadow Effect where Deepak Chopra teamed up with Marianne Williamson and Debbie Ford to share their views on our shadow side. In this book Marianne Williamson writes:
“We’re often afraid of looking at our shadow because we want to avoid the shame or embarrassment that comes along with admitting mistakes. We feel that if we take a deep look at ourselves, we’ll be too exposed. But the thing we should actually fear is not looking at it, for our denial of the shadow is exactly what fuels it. One day I looked at something in myself that I had been avoiding because it was too painful. Yet once I did, I had an unexpected surprise. Rather than self-hatred, I was flooded with compassion for myself because I realized the pain necessary to develop that coping mechanism to begin with.”
Yes Marianne, this is exactly it! I am here because the darkness of my shadow compelled me to move in the direction of the light. The shadow was an integral part of my journey as it is yours. It’s the key to the life we live. As Debbie Ford says:
“The conflict between who we are and who we want to be is at the core of the human struggle. Duality, in fact, lies at the very center of the human experience. It is because of our unexamined life, our darker self, our shadow self where our unclaimed power lies hidden. It is here, in this least likely place, that we will find the key to unlock our strength, our happiness, and our ability to live out our dreams.”
I’ve been going deep into contemplation about my shadow and one thing that came to me was that I only have a shadow when I am blocking the light. This is in effect what a shadow is right? It only occurs when I block light. The Earth has a shadow, the moon has one, and you have one. Anything that is blocking the light will create a shadow.
But then I thought, hang on; the sun doesn’t have one does it? Why is that? Because the sun IS the light. The light doesn’t have shadows, only the things that block light do.
So if I truly wanted to remove the shadow, then I must BE THE LIGHT. I must be love. Just be that. This made me ponder is there a way to BE pure Light without a shadow or do I accept that I will always have a shadow? Does an enlightened Buddha, a Christ or a Saint have a shadow still? What do you think?”
I would like to mention that many of the articles postulated that creativity is often driven by the Shadow Side which is what Pema Chodron suggested at the beginning of this discussion. Justine Musk in an article about How to Make Friends with You Shadow Self gives a representation of many when she says:
“Creative work is about the expression of your innermost self. In the end, we are what we make.
When we talk about creating, so often we talk about developing the ability to “go there”: behind the socially polished persona, beneath the surface layers, to tap into the stuff we don’t show people – or even ourselves.
That’s where the juice is.
That’s where the vulnerability is – and it’s our vulnerability that makes us loveable, that connects us to other people. That makes us authentic. You cannot connect to the world in an authentic way if you’re not willing to express that self to begin with.”
And so we find ourselves going full circle again with confronting the shadow self requiring us to be vulnerable and vulnerability leading to authenticity. As Rabbi George Gittleman said (thank you to Jeff for this quote), “Some people think vulnerability is just about being weak or narcissistic, without boundaries, letting it all hang out, wearing your emotions on your shirt sleeves. Not true. Vulnerability is about courage, authenticity and faith. Being vulnerable is being real, showing up, and living your truth. It is also about reciprocity.”
And I am going to finish this morning with another Carl Jung quote.
He said:
“To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. Once one has experienced a few times what it is like to stand judgingly between the opposites, one begins to understand what is meant by the self. Anyone who perceives his shadow and his light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle.”
