Forgiveness – Finding Our Authentic Self

Last week we looked at shame, authenticity, and forgiveness so I want to continue this Sunday with the same theme of forgiveness and its importance for spiritual growth. So, when I found a website called “Unravelling Reality: a Spiritual Exploration” and the first article was entitled, Forgiveness and Its Importance for Spiritual Growth, I thought maybe I was on the right path.

Forgiveness and its Importance for Spiritual Growth

“How many times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is thousands of times. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists, then that was enough; we don’t need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again and again…

How many times do we make our spouse, our children, or our parents pay for the same mistake? Every time we remember the mistake, we blame them again and send them all the emotional poison we feel at the injustice, and then we make them pay again for the same mistake. Is that justice?”
– Don Miguel Ruiz – The Four Agreements

Recently I have gone through a series of events where I have felt on some level, quite betrayed by people close to me. Some of these events were quite shocking when they happened, I was literally at loss of what to do in the moments, not sure how to react or how to deal with them. But, in a short amount of time, I did accept them and I did let them go.

Meanwhile I had been talking to a couple of friends and their own life events brought up cases that demonstrated a lack of the ability to forgive. It hurt me to see this because it made me think about my own past resentments and how much harbouring those have been hurting me, and I didn’t want my friends to hurt themselves in the same way, or for any one to do that.

“ I allow the soul of ________ to be pardoned and set free now as I AM on all timelines and dimensions; past, present and future, parallel and alternate, in all realities. And so it is. ” Matt Kahn

When I was younger I really held on tightly to things that happened to me that I thought were unjust. Really tightly. I recorded many of these events and the associated feelings down in my diary, starting from about the age of 11. I talked about them with friends; I kept many occurrences fresh in my mind.
Why? One reason was that I was scared by forgiving I would forget them and by forgiving and forgetting I would inevitably not be able to see them coming and allow them to happen again, or even worse, I would somehow repeat them myself. How often is it that we see people repeat the same mistakes of their family? I.e. if you grew up in an abusive family you then become an abusive parent?

Observing my parents treatment of me as I grew up I concluded that they could not remember what it was like to be a child, or a teenager, and so this was another factor of why I clung so tightly to ‘remembering’ every wrong I felt and not forgiving – I felt if I remembered it, this would prevent me from doing the same to others. (I now feel it is not so simple as just remembering. Usually people do not ‘want’ to hurt anyone else or treat someone badly similar as they have been treated, but due to factors other than memory, find themselves repeating these actions).

There was one particularly harmful resentment that I harboured for many years relating to being physically abused. The resentment was so strong that being around the person who did that to me, even after they had long stopped, really affected me. I felt muscle tension every time they were nearby, I lost my temper quickly, I found it hard to talk in a normal tone . And these were just small symptoms of what damage that was really doing to my body, mind and soul.

I was so hurt, so affected that I harboured this resentment for over 10 years. Every time I thought about it, or anything that reminded me of it it reinforced these negative feelings in my mind, digging deeper and deeper. I became ‘attached’ to this resentment as a ‘victim’ and in effect hurt myself over and over because of my attachment, long after the events took place.

The Buddha put it very well when he said: “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

And also when he said: “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished BY your anger,”
Slowly, slowly I have started to let go of this resentment, starting with changing my reactions and behaviours whenever I can, and trying to think differently – reprograming my reactions.
Just because we forgive someone when we are wronged it does not mean that what they did was okay, but it means that we do not tightly hold onto anger or resentment and we recognise that person as a human being who can’t help but make mistakes– often we need to make mistakes to learn (although I feel if we put efforts into becoming more conscious/aware we can avoid mistakes and still learn what we must).

Every circumstance is different and there are for sure some circumstances where it would be unhealthy for us to spend time with someone who we feel it is hard to forgive for something. Forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that you have to be their friend or actively involved in their lives.

By working through my past resentments and trying to release them, I have often felt frustrated that I am not there yet. There are times that I do react strongly because of past hurts, there are things I find hard to do because of the many years of being so tightly closed on this issue – and I’ve felt bad that I can’t overcome them.

My boyfriend has said things like “just forgive, just say sorry; just tell the person you love them.” I’ve felt both angry and guilty for not being able to do that; a fear of being ‘fake” if I did that stops me. I feel I am not ready. People need to work on things at their own pace – the main thing is that they are working on it.

The good news is that I’ve found even while working on those things and not being quite there yet, I have changed something in me where I tend not to hold onto new resentments. There are lots of people who have done some things that I have felt hurt me a lot – but I don’t take it so personally anymore.

Being a forgiving person helps you to see things that hurt you from the other person’s perspectives – such as their own limitations and suffering causing them to act in a way that they wouldn’t if those things were absent or if they were in ‘balance’. It doesn’t make it right, but it does help you to be more forgiving and not take other’s actions as a personal attack against yourself.

It’s okay to be angry at someone if they do something that you feel has affected you personally and is unjust. But remember that it is far easier to let go and accept in the moment than to harbour this resentment and let it ‘stick’. While I do get hurt and angry sometimes by things that I feel are not fair, I find that they slip away so much faster now.  Progressing in consciousness, we should eventually find ourselves at a point where this level of awareness eliminates all anger as we can always operate from a place of love, never taking things personally, and thus, not even needing ‘forgiveness’. But that is far off for most people.

We think that we are over things simply by avoiding discussing them but if we make a conscious or subconscious decision not to forgive, we actually create a reaction that becomes hardwired into our brains. So we subconsciously react whenever something sparks that brain pattern that reminds us of the emotions we experienced at the time of the original event. Emotions and reaction become hardwired together– and the more that they are repeated the harder our reactions are to control/ undo.

By not acknowledging the need to forgive we also place ourselves at risk for becoming an “unconditional blamer”, of getting into a “victim mentality” which becomes our personality. We place ourselves at risk for not fully understanding the problem because of locking ourselves into one point of view and not acknowledging our part in the scenario.

In the book Conscious Business, Ontological Humility and Ontological Arrogance Fred Kofman describes the concept of being a ‘victim’ and how much power we have over our own happiness, our choices and our behaviours by pointing out that we are never absolute victims:

“Every person suffers the impact of factors beyond his control, so we are all, in a sense, victims. We are not, however, absolute victims. We have the ability to respond to our circumstances and influence how they affect us. …
In contrast the unconditional blamer defines his victim-identity by his helplessness….

Unconditional blamers believe that their problems are always someone else’s fault, and that there’s nothing they could have done to prevent them. Consequently, they believe that there’s nothing they should do to address them. Unconditional blamers feel innocent, unfairly burdened by others who do things they “shouldn’t” do because of maliciousness or stupidity. According to the unconditional blamer, those others ‘ought” to fix the problems they created. Blamers live in a state of self-righteous indignation, trying to control people around them with their accusations and angry demands.

What the unconditional blamer does not see is that in order to claim innocence, he has to relinquish his power. If he is not part of the problem, he cannot be part of the solution. In fact, rather than being the main character of his life, the blamer is a spectator. Watching his own suffering from the sidelines, he feels “safe” because his misery is always somebody else’s fault. Blame is a tranquilizer. It soothes the blamer, sheltering him from accountability for his life. But like any drug, its soothing effect quickly turns sour, miring him in resignation and resentment. In order to avoid anxiety and guilt, the blamer must disown his freedom and power and see himself as a plaything of others.”

When reading my blog post, my partner commented that I didn’t really give any help on the process of actually overcoming our resentments. He offers the following:

”A way to help in the process of forgiveness is to become aware of others perspective. We all too some degree have resentments built into us from childhood, and they are still playing themselves out today. We need to understand that all people have these conditioned reactions in them but in different situations and circumstances. Whenever we feel frustrated, angry, withdrawn, we are playing out a conditioned reaction and we need to forgive. If we can feel any negative feeling in a situation (when we react with one of the above types of reactions) try to dissociate from the feeling by telling yourself you are having a feeling but the feeling is not you. Do not become identified with the feeling. In this moment of awareness ask yourself why do I feel this way? What is this situation bringing up in me that I’m yet to resolve, the answer might come then and there or it might come later, but to stop and become aware is the first step to coming to some sort of clarity about the situation and how we can forgive ourselves for holding onto something for so long and continually punishing ourselves.”

I agree that the most direct path would be to address the emotions as they arise when they arise. But from my own experience I also feel sometimes that this method close to impossible. The words “blind rage” originate for their reasons for example. I feel a huge part of this forgiving process occurs outside of these ‘blinding moments of extreme emotion’ and they work to prevent further occurrences and help dissolve feelings of tension, resentment etc. on a day to day basis. Sometimes the work needs to be done outside the actual feeling of the emotion. It is like taking a step back so that we can see more clearly. Processes that help with this are: meditation, thinking about/reviewing occurrences, talking about them with people you trust who will listen and help you think about them rather than tell you what to think/how to feel, reading spiritual books/watching spiritual motives etc. that talk about such topics. These are things that help you to initiate forgives, and that then give you the strength to work with these emotions as they actually happen.”

On a slightly different note, Matt Kahn offers this Radical Forgiveness statement, “I allow the soul of ________ to be pardoned and set free now as I AM on all timelines and dimensions; past, present and future, parallel and alternate, in all realities. And so it is.”

Once again, he is trying to get you to focus on the present moment.

Lao Tzu says, “If you are depressed you are living in the past. 
If you are anxious you are living in the future. 
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

Back to the article. Kara continues:
A really good book that I recommend that deals with the subject of resentments becoming hard-wired into our brains, creating reactions that become who we ‘are’ is, “Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose your Mind and Create a New One” by Joe Dispenza.

Breaking the habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza

I feel that a huge part of becoming more spiritually aware and evolve consciously is to truly know the value and importance of forgiving. We all have people that have hurt us, but we must learn how to forgive so that we do not create more and more unconscious reactions, and close ourselves off from growth and learning, and love.
The more consciously aware we are, the more we are able to forgive. The more we are able to forgive, the more conscious we become.

A FORGIVING MOMENT
Don’t try to forgive. 
Forgiveness is not a ‘doing’. 
Simply accept that this moment is exactly the way it is right now.
And the past was the way it was.

Accept your non-acceptance in the present.
Forgive your inability to forgive.
Feel your breath, the sensations in your body, the life that burns brightly in you.

Everyone is doing their best, even when it seems like they are doing their worst.
Everyone is dreaming or having a nightmare, battling with pain you may never understand.
You don’t have to condone their actions.
You may not be able to wake them up.
You don’t have to like what happened.

Simply let go of the illusion
that it could have been any different.
You are different now, anyhow.
Don’t focus on something 
you have no control over.
The past is a distant land.

Bring your attention back to this moment, 
Your source of true power. 
Your place of connectedness.
Wake up from the dream
That anyone has any power
To take away your inner peace.

Drop the need to be right.
 Embrace the need to be free.
Come out of the story of ‘my life’.
Reclaim the moment.
Be here, in your new life.
 Show up for this brand new day.
This is forgiveness.”
– Jeff Foster